As I write this, my husband V and I are in our fifth year of marriage. It seems like time has flown by so quickly… how have we made it this far?! By God’s grace and strength is my immediate, honest answer to that question – after all, we couldn’t be more different individuals, and it always amazes me that we can actually get along on a day-to-day basis :p

He’s happy to not see any other faces besides mine for weeks, while I go stir-crazy when that happens. He loves working with numbers and Excel sheets, while I absolutely abhor that. His approach to life and problems tends to be rather logical, while I tend to think abstractly and daydream a fair bit.

Still, all this is to say that while we have different personalities and hobbies, we have made our marriage work. And not just work, but also helped it to grow and thrive.

keeping our relationships strong: why is it so hard?

Relationships need SO MUCH work. Whether it’s a friendship or a love interest, it’s so easy to let things slip and slide, especially in a world where commitment seems to be a value that only exists in our parents’ and grand-parents’ generations.

When you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, sometimes you tend to forget the good and focus only on the bad: his/her sloppy habits; the little quirks that irk you to no end; or his/her priorities that inadvertently clash with yours… conflict naturally arises as two people grow closer, and focusing only on your partner’s shortcomings seem to be par for the course.

As I mentioned earlier, V and I are complete opposites, so we’ve definitely had our fair share of arguments and quarrels over the years. But because of that, we have also become more aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and in that way, we have learned to submit to each other in various situations.

One way that choosing to complement each other’s strengths has played out in our marriage is when we travel. My husband takes on the role of driver and navigator, while I happily assume the role of trip planner (accommodations, sightseeing spots, and itinerary). Let’s just say that if we were to swap roles, the results would be rather disastrous! So it works out really well for us that we bring our own unique strengths and abilities to the relationship, and are able to give each other space to let them be applied.

I think one other super damaging thought pattern that affects our relationships and sneakily weakens them is comparison. I confess that I’ve done this many times, and have witnessed other spouses do it too: How come X has done this for Y and you haven’t done it for me? Why do you never celebrate my birthday or special occassions like X and Y do?

Theodore Roosevelt wisely said that “comparison is the thief of joy”, and I couldn’t agree more with his statement. Comparison levies a form of subtle judgment on the “offending” partner, as if he/she is not good enough. Comparison also places a ton of unfair expectations on said partner, who might actually already be showing and demonstrating love in a million other ways. And comparison just makes us feel unhappy and unfulfilled all the time – and that’s certainly not a healthy mindset to have in a relationship or marriage.

the secret to building strong relationships

Some of you shared on my Instagram that things like communication, being purposeful, and unhurried time were important in sustaining and building relationships. And while it’s a tad cliche to say that there’s a secret to helping your relationships grow, I do find that this is something that can be applied across the board – to a friendship, to relationships with family, to your spouse/partner, and also to your relationship with God.

In short, I’m talking about being intentional.

What’s worked for our marriage is intentionally setting aside time for date night (or date day) every week. Spending time together intentionally makes such a world of difference – even though we live in the same home and see each other pretty much all the time, more often than not we are occupied with our own to-do lists and don’t actually spend time asking after each other.

One recent ritual we’ve introduced to our marriage is praying together daily and reading scripture or poetry together (we’re currently going through Walter Bruggemanns’ collection of poetry entitled Awed to Heaven, Rooted in Earth). It sounds ridiculously easy to do, but let’s just say that there are always things that get in the way.

Since we’ve committed to doing this for the past few months, we’ve experienced lots of growth in our relationship with each other and with God. It has shifted our focus away from our problems and worries, and placed them squarely on how good and loving our Father is, with the faith-filled certainty that He will provide and see us through – even when we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel yet.

Some questions you can ask yourselves as you evaluate the relationships you treasure and want to grow are: How are you investing in them? Are you putting in effort to help them grow? Are there some things you can initiate and/or do to help them feel appreciated and loved?

my relationship with Jesus

As a believer, I think it’s important to also reflect on another dimension to this topic: our relationship with God. Seasoned Christian or not, most of us know what is “required” to develop a thriving relationship with Jesus, namely through prayer and reading His Word regularly. Yet, many of us just can’t seem to find the time to do this, or commit to doing it for a sustained period of time.

My encouragement to you (and me) is: carve out time every day to spend with Jesus. It’s as simple as that. Whether it’s during breakfast, on your morning commute or after a long day of work, time with God is more precious than anything else in the world. My relationship with Jesus has been through many ups and downs – mostly because there were times I sought Him daily and found Him, while there were times that I allowed work and other daily tasks eclipse spending holy, unhurried moments with God. Through it all, however, God has been so, so faithful to me. And it’s never too late to start building a relationship with Him again.

For me, one of the simplest ways to intentionally set aside time with God is through journalling. As I write out my fears, anxieties, worries and praises down on the smooth, blank pages of my journal, I am often able to see His hand moving in my life more clearly, sometimes quietly and sometimes powerfully. I hear His still, small voice calling me into deeper fellowship with Him more distinctly. And I yearn to live His calling upon my life out more purposefully.

No matter where you are in your walk with Jesus today, know that He is waiting for you, longing for you, and just waiting for you to reach out again.

FREE POSTCARD printables

To accompany this piece on relationships, I’ve come up with another fun freebie: A set of four postcards that you can print out and write a little message of encouragement and love on. Whether your favourite person needs a little reminder that you love them or your BFF needs some prayer support – these cards are a great way to show you care.

Get these cards for FREE when you sign up for my mailing list below!

What are some things that being in a relationship has taught you? What are some of the ways you intentionally grow and invest in them? Leave a comment below and let’s chat!

pin for later!

xx,
iz

Happy 2019 everyone! I hope your year will be one filled with genuine connections, awe-inspiring moments and victories big and small.

I wrote a post on what my 2018 looked like a few hours before the clock struck 12 yesterday.

Today, I’d like to focus on my blog and give you guys a little peek into how it’s grown so much in the past year.

When I first started iz.joshkho.com in September 2017, I had just moved from Singapore to Vancouver, Canada. Writing on the blog was a way for me to process this transition, to reflect and ruminate on issues, share some of my favourite products and travel destinations, and also keep myself up-to-date on good web practices like SEO (search engine optimisation).

Slowly, the blog grew into a place where I wanted to share stories that were not my own, but of women who were (and still are) so inspiring in their faith. And it was also such a privilege to share stories penned by friends and fellow writers that totally blew me away with their wisdom and their power.

I wasn’t as consistent in posting here as I’d planned (yes, I have an editorial calendar!). And not everything I posted got a ton of views.

But in terms of the total number of pageviews for last year, this blog received…

over 13,000 pageviews in 2018.

No kidding.

I was so amazed when this figure showed up. Numbers aren’t everything, and they aren’t a target I need to reach to prove that my blog has been successful (thank God for that!). But they help me keep track of which posts are doing well and how I can continue improving my writing. And for someone who hasn’t spent a dime on advertising… I think this is definitely worth celebrating!

These were the posts that received the most love on this humble space. Thank you for reading them and sharing them!

inspiring christian instagram accounts to follow

This was the best-performing post for 2018, and I’ve received a lot of feedback that the recommendations have been really helpful. I hope these accounts encourage and inspire you too!

women who inspire: bernice

I’ve known Bernice and what she does at Graceworks for a number of years, but it was only in 2018 that the idea came upon me to interview her and find out more about the faith-focused publishing and training consultancy she co-runs with her husband Soo-Inn and how God has been faithful in her life. Clearly, a lot of people wanted to know more too!

what i’ve learnt after 3 years of marriage

Marriage takes work. And as a woman who has struggled a fair bit with it, here’s something I wrote after reflecting on being married for three years (it’s four now woohoo!).

there you are

I remember my heart thumping like crazy when I asked my friend Naomi if she would be keen to write something for my blog last January. And thumping even more when she immediately said “yes!”. Her words are filled with such incredible power, grace and love… it’s a total must-read.

review: herbivore botanicals’ coco rose body polish

One of my favourite beauty buys of 2018! Also, I now know how difficult it is to snap nice photos in a tiny bathroom :p

coffee with tze: life as a missionary, photographer and storyteller

My friend tze’s life story never fails to intrigue and inspire me. He’s been to some of the most incredible places in the world, and his images are truly one-of-a-kind.

women who inspire: yare

My friend Yare is an amazing singer-songwriter from Bolivia, and I was so happy that she shared her heart for music and for God with this blog.

where is God in the waiting?

This was a piece I wrote for Naomi’s blog. It was also shared on Thir.st, a faith-based online publication in Singapore. I wrote this while experiencing a time of limbo where I felt so uncertain about the future. If you find yourself in a time of waiting, may these words bless you.

life in vancouver, illustrated

My friend Angeline drew these series of comics to illustrate scenes from her new life in Vancouver. They’re full of humour and are such a joy to look at!

women who inspire: sharon

This was one of those moments in life where if you don’t do it, you’ll probably never even dream of doing it again… I approached Sharon after a church service where her husband, Darrell Johnson, was preaching at. She readily agreed to speak to me about life as a pastor’s wife, and I can’t even express how grateful I am that she would take the time to share so openly and honestly about her life with me.

And there you have it: some of my most loved posts for 2018

Thanks for sticking around, and sign up for my newsletter (scroll all the way down) if you’d love to get more updates from me in 2019!

pin for later:

xx,
iz

Back in Singapore, I never did anything fancy for my birthday. Mostly, it was spent going to a restaurant with the husband, with a mandatory dessert order and not-so-mandatory candles.

In Vancouver, I had a surprise picnic at the beach, indulged in a yummy cheesecake that my friend had to queue an hour for, received two bouquets, had the most delicious pancakes at a lovely French restaurant, enjoyed a free concert by the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra, got two gift cards to shop at my favourite clothing brand here, and played ping-pong at a bar.

In short: I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun (or so many gifts and cakes) for my birthday in a long time!

But the real point of me saying all this is that I’m absolutely grateful for the friendships God has established in my life here.

I feel a little ashamed to admit this – even though I think I shouldn’t be – but I’ve come to realise that my sense of well-being is closely tied to the friendships I have. Obviously, I’m not looking for the kind of friends you chat with at a party and then forget about each other afterwards, but the kind that bother to get to know who you really are, what makes you tick, and what you’re dealing with below the surface… you know, authentic connections. Real friends you can be silly with, joke with, talk about deep stuff with, and just be yourself with.

Who would expect that to happen in a place so unfamiliar, and over the span of a few months to boot?

I sure didn’t.

But it happened.

I’m reminded of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together, in which he puts forth the importance of having a community beautifully.

I’m reminded of my chat with Bernice, the co-founder of Singapore-based publishing and training consultancy Graceworks, on why spiritual friendships are so essential for growth.

I’m reminded that God answered my (hitherto unspoken) longing for friendship of a certain kind in the simplest of ways: by sending me friends who possess hearts that are so much bigger than mine; who speak words of life and encouragement to my spirit; who show they care just by being there; and who teach me to see the world in new ways.

I know this post is super sappy and sentimental, but I do think I would go bonkers here without friends like these – so yeah, here’s a cheesy but totally feel-good song to round it all off:

xx,
iz

The title of this post should give you an idea of how I feel about Valentine’s Day.

Don’t get me wrong – I think it’s perfectly fine to show someone love and affection through gifts or flowers, but I think sometimes that we place too much stock on romantic gestures as a sign of “love”.

I suppose this comes as a result of being married to a rather un-romantic person (sorry, V!).

I remember in our early years of dating that I would feel a teeny bit disappointed if he hadn’t planned anything for Valentine’s Day.

Over the years, though, I’ve cared less and less about February 14. Maybe it comes with age (sigh), or maybe it’s the fact that… it really doesn’t matter to me anymore.

Like many of you, I enjoy being on the receiving end of grand gestures of love. Who wouldn’t?

But that really isn’t what love is about. I know it’s been said countless times, but it’s something that just has to be said. Especially since Valentine’s Day has become such a circus act, where people use it as a way to show off or, worse, feel “superior” than others. It’s not always overtly depicted, but it might just be an unconscious motivation.

Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean anything to me anymore because he shows me that he loves me in a million other ways:

By helping to cook and clean up (two things I don’t particularly enjoy). By staying up till 3am and having a conversation about the most random things with me even though he has class at 9am the next day. By letting me decide where to eat 99% of the time. By watching shows that I want to watch. By building a vanity table for me to store my ever-growing beauty stash.

I could go on, but by now, it should be clear that… his love language is “acts of service”. (Ok, to be fair, he did surprise me with roses and a sweet handwritten card for our third wedding anniversary.)

Nobody would put these mundane scenes I just described above in a movie. After all, you wouldn’t fall head over heels for someone who decided to declare his love for you by, say, cleaning up your house, or cutting fruit for you, or doing your laundry.

But these insignificant acts are love in action. Simple, pure, selfless love.

So to all the women out there who might not get anything special on Valentine’s Day:

Stop comparing. Stop wishing he would be a bit more like your girl pal’s boyfriend or husband. Stop berating him for not doing anything romantic.

Start listing out what he has done for you and your household. Start appreciating and recognising that he does show love in the smallest of ways.

But on second thought: Why wait till Valentine’s Day to do this? You might as well start now. <3

xx,
iz

On 20 December 2014, V and I exchanged our marriage vows on a lovely little yacht somewhere on the open sea, surrounded by our dearest family and friends.

I still remember how it was raining incessantly that month, but on that day, the sun broke through. And that’s just one small example of God’s goodness and mercy in our journey as husband and wife.

We crossed the third-year mark while on a road trip to California last month. I must say that whoever thought marriage would equate to living “happily ever after” certainly never tried it! Still, we’ve had a fulfilling few years together filled with memories that I’ll cherish forever.

But before I got married, I struggled a lot with the very concept of marriage and what it would entail. I thought it would be boring. I thought I would feel “trapped” and lose some degree of freedom (okay, all of it, really).

I’m happy to report that I have shaken these thoughts off, though it took me a long while to do so. And by God’s grace, I have come to enjoy being a wife.

Here are 6 things I’ve learnt about marriage:

1. Being married doesn’t make me any less of a woman.

Once you tie the knot, one of the first questions people around you will inevitably ask is whether you’re having kids. I know they mean well, but I don’t just want to be regarded as a baby-making machine from this day forward. I am still a woman who has dreams to realise and goals to achieve.

2. Mundane moments are plentiful – but they’re also what has helped me grow.

Recently, I did an enneagram test and discovered that my personality type is a 7. According to the test results, I “approach life with curiosity, optimism and a sense of adventure”. That also explains why I abhor mundanity and repetition (because they aren’t fun or exciting, duh). But that kinda is what marriage looks like once you get settled into a comfortable “flow”. You probably already have certain couple habits; well, life’s pretty much the same old, same old when you get hitched.

These ordinary moments of life together test me the most – and grow me the most. Cooking, washing the dishes and doing the laundry are things I honestly do not enjoy doing, but I recognise that they are ways in which I am learning to serve and be selfless (my husband will be SO happy to read this!).

3. Problem areas won’t disappear; they will be magnified.

Most articles on marriage will tell you this – and it’s true. I get sooo irked by V’s loud chewing, while he gets upset when I fail to follow his system for doing the dishes, or when I install the toilet paper roll the “wrong way”. When we were dating, these were small things we never thought would surface as issues, but they have.

Of course, there are other deeper issues that have revealed themselves throughout the course of our marriage. And I truly appreciate that my husband has served as a faithful friend in that aspect, by making me take a hard look at certain areas of my life that I needed to seek forgiveness from God in, or stop holding onto too tightly.

“God created marriage to unfold beauty, depth, strength, and love that could never be discovered in a land of “easy.” God created marriage to help us enter into the world of what real love looks like. If we are able to look past daily irritation, inconvenience, and selfish resentments to get a glimpse of the real thing, it will bring us to our knees in worship. Not of our marriage, but of God, himself. God created marriage to show us what his love for us looks like. “

— Adrien Segal, Desiring God

4. You will have to give some things up.

Since I’ve gotten married, I think the biggest change in my lifestyle is that my schedule has been less filled with spontaneous meet-ups or late-night hangs with friends. To be frank, it’s still a struggle for me to relinquish certain things. This is definitely a work in progress.

5. Personal space is important.

I absolutely need – no, crave – time for myself. It’s been integral to my sense of well-being when I was unmarried, and it remains so today. My alone time helps me to recharge, reflect, and gives me room to indulge in activities I enjoy. I’m glad that my husband respects this need, and has never given me any grief about it (ok, the fact that he’s a total introvert who also needs personal space has helped!).

What I’ve found useful is to physically demarcate an area in your home that is 100% yours. In our Vancouver apartment, my table is in our bedroom, while V has a separate study table outside. We didn’t do this in our Singapore home, and it’s definitely something I want to continue practicing when we go back.

6. Your influence and giftings will expand.

The wonderful thing about big life transitions like marriage is that you’ll have so many stories to tell, and so many insights to share, with those who are about to take those same steps, or even to those who aren’t on this path yet.

My husband has also encouraged me to pursue things I never would’ve had the gumption to do on my own. Case in point: This blog. I’ve been writing for most of my adult life, but writing for myself (and not for the company I work for) is pretty unfamiliar territory. But it’s been a fun ride so far – and I can’t wait to see how God is going to use me and this space for His glory.

If you’ve made it this far along in the post, I wanna say a huge THANK YOU for reading. And if you are married, I would love to hear your own thoughts and lessons on what it has taught you – just leave a comment below!

Additional reading resources on marriage:

Culture’s big lie about marriage – RELEVANT magazine

Did you expect your marriage to be easy? – DesiringGod

Will you cleave and leave your man? – DesiringGod

xx,
iz

Harvey Weinstein’s predatory pursuits have been all over my Facebook newsfeed of late. The victims – famous faces like Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Rose McGowan and Cara Delevingne – have both been praised and lambasted for stepping forward to share their stories.

My humble opinion: They have every right to speak, because doing so helps them to be a witness to others who’ve suffered similar treatment. They have relinquished shame and reclaimed their voices, their dignity, their self-respect.

That takes courage, and I applaud them for it.

But on a deeper level, the Weinstein case is symptomatic of a larger societal disease where men think they can get away with it, and women are either too ashamed or fearful to incriminate the culprit.

The horrid truth is that sexual harassment is happening everywhere. Plainly speaking, there are Harvey Weinsteins everywhere. In countries, like India, rape is reportedly the fourth most common crime against women. A study by Singapore advocacy group AWARE revealed that 54% of its pool of 500 respondents had received some form of workplace sexual harassment.

And a recent op-ed in The Guardian details how the Weinsteins of the world are enabled because pointing the finger can actually get the accuser – who is, more often than not, female – in trouble.

Real-life examples in Singapore, ranging from molest to situations that might not be overtly sexual but still created some degree of discomfort, abound:

“I was taking the train and felt someone’s hand on my butt, literally just resting there for more than a few minutes. It felt really weird and uncomfortable, and I got off at the next station immediately because I felt afraid. When I looked back, I saw a man in grey worker’s overalls standing there just looking at me. There were many other people on the train but not a single one alerted me or stood up for me.”

“I was a few months into my new job when a superior called me into his office once and after some small talk, asked if I would go jogging with him at Bedok Reservoir. I was shocked but covered it up by suggesting he could ask other people instead. Oh, and he’s married with kids.”

“I was on the crowded dance floor at Zouk with my friends, and it was so packed that we could barely move. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my butt giving it a hard squeeze. By the time I managed to turn around, I only saw the back of the guy’s head and there was no way I could reach out to him to stop him from moving off.”

“A taxi uncle actually had the cheek to ask me to show him my legs and made a really disrespectful remark about them, right before I alighted.”

“I was eating lunch with my husband at a coffeeshop when a drunk guy kicked the chair I was sitting on and told me not to talk so much. In broad daylight. Before that, he had been mouthing off and cursing women, which I could hear faintly from where I was seated. My hands started shaking (out of fear, adrenaline and shock I guess). My husband called the police immediately, but the drunk guy got away before they arrived, although he did apologise.”

Do these accounts shock you? Well, they shouldn’t. They all happened in our “safe little country”. And they all happened to one woman: me.

When I think back to these incidents, I can’t help but feel a ton of things all at once. Most of it is anger, not just at the perpetrator, but at myself for letting it happen.

A lot of it is also regret, that I didn’t manage to catch them/stop them/report them – why on earth did I let it go?! Why didn’t I say something?

Naturally, there is also self-directed blame – why did I wear that dress? Why did I stand/sit at that particular spot? That feeling of powerlessness all the famous actresses described? Exactly how I felt too.

But I have resolved now that if ever something like this were to happen to me – or someone around me – again in future, I will NOT let it pass. These sorry excuses for men need to know it is NOT okay, and it is NOT right.

I am not suggesting this as a way to mete out justice, but by doing or saying something instead of brushing it aside, I might just be able to prevent this man from committing any craven acts on another woman in future.

Who’s with me?

xx,
iz

Our first week in Vancity

xx, iz